Rebel Rockstar Read online

  11

  Jem

  When I wake up the next morning, entwined in Nate’s arms, I feel on top of the world. I cannot believe that I lost my virginity on such a whim, but I’m so glad I did. I always thought it was the sort of thing that would take months of planning and preparation, but to be honest if I’d done it in that way I may have freaked out…and backed out. I always put a lot of pressure on myself to make the first time I had sex amazing, but last night I made the decision without really thinking, and it turned out to be the smartest decision I ever made.

  Now, not only have I experienced the best night of my whole damn life, but Nate is mine. Nothing and no one else matters. We have each other. We’ve sealed our love for one another, and that’s all I care about. Whatever threatens to tear us apart now will have a damn hard job on their hands.

  “Hey, gorgeous,” he says sleepily, and I turn to look at him. Drinking in his gorgeous appearance, I begin to regret all of the time we’ve lost. If I hadn’t run away that day, all that time ago, and broken things off with Nate, who knows where we’d be now? If I’d stayed, even if I’d explained my freak out, things would never have gotten so complicated.

  But at least we’ve managed to find our way back to one another. That’s as important as anything else.

  “Do you want to go for breakfast?” he asks, sending a memory blasting back into my brain.

  “Oh, God.” I’m suddenly hyperventilating. “Breakfast.”

  “We don’t have to…” His voice trails off uneasily. He’s completely misreading my freakout. “We can just stay here if you’d prefer. Whatever makes you happy.” He’s obviously thinking the worst, assuming I don’t want to be seen in public with him, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

  “No, no. It’s not that.” I clutch my chest in terror while I attempt to reassure him. “It’s that I have a meeting with my manager, Kim, at breakfast. I have to discuss my new, much sexier concert happening tonight, and I really don’t think I’m ready for it.” Even the thought of it is making me insane.

  “You’ll do fine.” He places a reassuring hand on my back. “You already know you’re awesome, and you always put on a good show.”

  How the hell does he know that? A part of my brain wonders when Nate has seen me perform, but that’s not the most pressing issue here—I’ll have to deal with that later.

  “I’m okay with singing my songs. That isn’t the problem. It’s this new image that’s freaking me out. I have no idea how to be sexy! I don’t even know where to begin. Every outfit they give me makes me feel uncomfortable, and I’m really not interested in seductive dancing or flashing anything.” I can barely breathe. “How the hell am I going to play this one? How am I going to achieve the impossible?”

  “You’ve always been sexy to me,” he purrs, nestling into my neck, but his words aren’t making me feel any better. He doesn’t seem to get it. He might find me attractive, but that’s being myself. Acting slutty is so far out of my comfort zone that I can’t even see it on the horizon. “Plus, don’t forget—I had to do my show in a white freaking shirt. I had to really behave up there onstage, and it worked out great for me. In fact, it was the best concert I’ve ever done. I’m happy to keep up this new image now.”

  “Yeah, that’s true,” I murmur, wishing I’d gone to see him perform. I’d stubbornly refused to do so, and now I massively regret it. Everyone has been telling me how well he did, and I really wish I’d been there to support him, to see him up there with my own eyes. I’d love to hear his music. I can’t believe I haven’t yet. “I just…I’m not the typical sexy girl. I like my country-western good girl image. I don’t know how to perform like other starlets—the ones that really know how to work their bodies.” I want to cry, to weep, to curl up in the fetal position and give up now, before I completely humiliate myself in front of the world. There’s no way that this is going to go well, and when it backfires and produces some terrible reviews, I could end up losing everything. It’s so easy to get dropped by a management team and a record label these days. There’s always someone there ready and willing to take your place. Someone younger, and hotter, and willing to do the things you aren’t…

  “So combine them both,” Nate states, as if it’s simple. “Give Kim what she wants. Wear the clothes she gives you, and move a little more seductively up onstage…but stick to being you, too. Just because you’re twenty-one years old now doesn’t mean you have to become sluttier. Think of it as being more grown up. More mature. Appealing to an older audience. Remember, as you’re growing up, your fans are too. They want a more grown-up Jemima Rockwell.”

  “Okay.” I think it through and nod to myself. “Grown up. Mature. I can do that.” I try to sound far more confident than I feel. I don’t want Nate to know how badly I’m losing it inside.

  “Now, while we have a few more moments…” There’s a new tone to Nate’s voice, one that’s distracting me. I could really use the distraction, so I allow his lips to meet mine, and I let myself enjoy his body and his touch all over again. It’s only teasing—there’s definitely not enough time to go all the way before my meeting—but it’s a lot of fun just the same…

  “So,” Kim barks at me, making me feel about two feet tall. “This is the night for you to prove yourself. You need to be fun. You need to be sexy. You need to show that there’s a brand new Jem up onstage. The world needs to understand that you’ve grown, okay?”

  “Okay,” I reply nervously, feeling lees and less confident about Nate’s suggestion with each second that ticks past. “I will.” I’m just not sure that I’ll be able to give everyone what they want and keep myself happy too.

  “Here is your set list.” She hands me a piece of paper and I act like I’m reading through it, but my mind is a million miles away. I’m mentally freaking the hell out, but I cannot let Kim see that. Any sign of weakness and she’ll be down my throat like a shot. If there’s one thing she hates, it’s any negativity towards her plans. “And your costume will be delivered to your room an hour or so before the set. The makeup artists and hair stylists will be there before then. Now, do you have any questions?”

  A million flood through my mind—Do I have to do this? Can’t I just be me? What if I have a panic attack up onstage?—but I don’t think any of them will be appreciated, so I simply shake my head nonchalantly instead.

  “Okay, well, go and rehearse or relax or something today. I need you at the top of your game tonight.” I stand back from the table, having touched none of my food, and return to my room to find Nate and Lola there, ready to help me get through the rest of the day.

  “I can’t do it,” I pant at them as soon as I’m through the door, gripping onto Nate like I’m lost at sea and he’s the only anchor around. “I just can’t.”

  “You can and you will,” Nate states firmly. “This is why we’re here. We’re going to get you through this.”

  “Now,” Lola says, smiling up at me. “Let’s get some rehearsing done. We can come up with some new moves, too. My dance training is pretty recent, and they covered all genres, so there’s a lot I can show you.”

  I’m grateful to have them with me, especially as they help me to coordinate everything in a way that might just work—even if it means I can’t get the peace I so desperately need.

  By the time my hair is coiffed and my face is plastered with some over-the-top makeup, all that’s left is to put on the slinky black cat suit that Kim has somehow deemed appropriate for tonight. It’s been hanging up in my dressing room, staring at me, for almost an hour, and with each second that passes, I become less convinced that I’m going to be able to pull this off.

  I used to wear jeans and a checkered shirt—now it’s a cat suit. That’s one hell of a transition! And it’s one that I never would have wanted.

  “Just get it on.” Lola smiles. She’s been desperately trying to reassure me all day that everything is going to be fine . “You might love it when you’re wearing it.” She doesn�
��t even sound fully certain herself, which doesn’t help her argument.

  “I won’t,” I reply tearfully. “Just look at it. It’s hideous. I’ll look fat and lumpy, and totally whorish.”

  “First off,” she says, then sighs in frustration. “There isn’t an inch of fat on you. Secondly, you won’t have any idea how it’s going to look until you get it on.” She takes it from the hanger, hands it to me, and begins to leave the room. “I’ll be back in a few moments. Just have it on and we’ll go from there. I’ll bring Nate back with me, too.”

  I know she’s right, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Just the thought of trying to pull it onto my body stresses me out, but of course I have no choice. What Kim says goes. It’s always been that way. It’s one of the negative things about being a singer—you’re a commodity. You belong to everyone except yourself.

  “Here goes nothing,” I whisper to myself. “Just get this on, and then everyone can see how hideous it is.”

  I’m right. It clings to my body painfully and makes me look sluttier than I could have ever imagined. There’s a zipper that keeps coming down, showing off far more of my cleavage than I’m even slightly comfortable with. It’s taking all that I have not to break down at the sight of myself as I stare into the mirror. “What the hell am I going to do?” I whisper to my sad face. “How am I going to get through this?”

  “Come out,” Nate calls through the door. “Let’s see you.” I can detect a hint of excitement in his voice, which makes me even more anxious. I feel too revealed and exposed in this outfit, and I’m afraid for him to see.

  “You can come in,” I call back, wishing they wouldn’t, but I need their help and they can’t do anything until they’ve seen me.

  But they completely betray me as they enter the room, both gasping and cooing over me, as if I look amazing. I argue and disagree, but they won’t hear a word of it, and somehow they manage to confuse me enough that I start to feel a confidence boost from their words. They are insistent that it’s fine, and that I manage to make the outfit look classy sexy, rather than just whorish. By the time I step out onstage, I’m ready to give the people of this ship a concert like no other…

  12

  Nate

  I watch Jem performing with an intense pride filling my heart. She’s absolutely amazing! She’s doing Kim’s new sexy thing perfectly, without taking it too far—she’s achieving what her management wants without losing herself along the way, just like I suggested. In fact, she’s doing an even better job performing than I did. The tight leather cat suit she’s wearing might be a step too far on anyone else, but Jem manages to make it look sweet and seductive all at once. She’s got the balance just right, and everyone watching her is lapping it up.

  “He runs his hands through my hair, his fingers caress my skin. My body lights up on fire, but nothing this good can last. He might not be forever, but this is right now…”

  The crowd goes wild as she softly sings out the words from her most famous song (one that I’ve always—maybe arrogantly—assumed might be about me), and I could burst from excitement. She’s absolutely perfect, and I cannot believe that she’s mine all over again. When I first purchased her album and listened to the sad words on that track, it practically destroyed me, but now I can see that the past doesn’t matter at all. Whatever happened back then seems to be far behind us now. We may have had a rocky road, but we’ve managed to take things to a good place—and that’s made all the hardship along the way totally worth it.

  I make sure I’m backstage by the time she finishes so I can envelop her in a much-needed hug. “You were phenomenal,” I gush as she falls happily into my arms. “The crowd loved you. Did you hear them? They were going wild!” She’s flushed pink with happiness, and I grab her quickly, spinning her around in the air.

  “I can’t believe how well that went. I was so nervous…” she babbles as she crashes back to the ground. “I was so afraid, but then they all started cheering and my confidence went through the roof.”

  “Well done,” Lola’s screech comes from behind us. “Oh, Jem, that was so amazing.” The friends hug and whisper to each other for a few seconds, but Jem quickly slips her hand into mine, ensuring that she’s keeping me with her too. It’s the little things like this that I really love about Jem—she’s so empathetic, and she always wants everyone around her to feel like a part of her world. I’ve never known anyone to have a bad word to say about her, except maybe Tonya—and that has more to do with me than Jem.

  “Thank you, you two.” She stares between us, then admits that we were right to have confidence in her all along. “I couldn’t have done it without your help today. You really saved me from making a car crash of this. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there, picking up the pieces for me.”

  “You know we’ll always be here!” Lola’s grin embodies my feelings exactly. “Just remember that when I’m having my own freak out.” She laughs a little mirthlessly. “God, I’m gonna be a total joke when it’s my turn to get onstage…”

  Even Jem’s tough-nut manager seems pleased with her performance, even if it wasn’t quite what she envisioned. She gives her a little stern talking to about needing “a little more” from her, but there’s an odd smile on her face—one that suggests she isn’t as angry as she’s pretending to be. In fact, I’m pretty sure I spot her giving Jem a wink at one point, which must be good news.

  After everyone has surrounded Jem and praised her for a wonderful performance, I take her back to my room. She crashes almost instantly, exhausted from her stressful, but exhilarating, night. As I watch her sleep, softly breathing in and out, I think of how angelic she looks. She’s absolutely perfect, and I intend to make her the happiest woman alive for the rest of my life. There’s no way I’m losing Jem ever again, no matter what. And this time I really feel like there’s nothing that could tear us apart.

  A couple of days later, we dock at one of the most beautiful Mediterranean islands I’ve ever seen. It looks like a fantasy place you’d see in a vacation brochure—all blue skies and white beaches. On top of that, there’s some of the most amazing wildlife I’ve ever laid eyes on—large turtles, whales, and dolphins.

  Jem and I take full advantage of our time here. We slowly reconnect, building something new, something even better than what we had before. We’re familiar to one another, but it’s also important to us to start again. We’ve missed time in one another’s lives, during which we did grow in different directions, and we need to incorporate that into the brand-new us. There’s no point in ignoring that we’ve changed or things will never be able to improve. In fact, rather than ignoring it, we’re happily embracing it.

  As I spend time with Jem, shopping at the quaint marketplaces, sunbathing on the beach, and swimming with the dolphins (I couldn’t leave without experiencing that joy!), I begin to forget the person I became without her—the one who drank too much, lived too wildly, and slept with women I really shouldn’t have. That wasn’t me at all. I was never the bad boy, really. I just didn’t know what else to do with myself. I didn’t know how to exist without Jem. It’s hard to admit that I became that way because of her rejection, but that’s exactly what it was. I can pinpoint the second I lost my way, and it was when Jem walked away from me for the very last time.

  “This is a dream come true,” Jem comments, softly kissing my lips as we sit on the beach for what we know will be the very last time. We’re leaving in a couple of hours, and the cruise ship will slowly take us back to our real lives. “It’s been amazing—being able to just be us without any expectations. And in the most gorgeous place ever. I don’t want to go home.”

  There’s a sadness to her tone, one that I really don’t like hearing. “Hey, hey...don’t worry.” I lift her chin with my finger and pull her face up until our eyes connect. “We can still be us, always. This has been a fun little getaway, a magical vacation, if that’s how you want to think of it, but real life isn’t going to be ba
d either. It might be complex, but we’ll get through it. We can really do it this time.”

  A strange expression crosses her face. She seems to be mentally predicting the worst, but after a short while she nods, agreeing with me. “You’re right.” She sighs. “It’s just…these have been the best few days ever, and I really don’t want them to end. It’s so perfect here.”

  I rest my head against hers, losing myself in her gaze for a few seconds. I want her to see my confidence in us. She might be afraid to leave this bubble behind, but I’m not. I know what she means, and I do agree with her, but I’m more excited about what the future holds for us. Now that we’ve bonded and rekindled our relationship, I’m looking forward to what’s next in my life for the first time in a very long time. She’s ended a self-destructive cycle that I hadn’t even realized I was in, and now I’m anticipating something even better to come.

  “Trust me.” I smile, pulling her in close to me. “Things are going to be amazing. Just wait and see. We’re going to leave here, go back on the ship, and sing our hearts out a few more times. Then we’re going to go home, and we’re going to make things between us better than ever.”

  “I hope you’re right,” she whispers hopefully against me, and I smile brightly at her words. I wish I could show her my vision for the future, the one that shows just how happy and in love we’re going to be—but of course I can’t. She isn’t a mind reader! So I’ll just have to settle for making every day amazing for her. Eventually, I hope she’ll be as confident in us as I already feel.

  “I am,” I reassure her. “Just you wait.”